Nows a good time to reflect on what each one has done throughout their entire relationship. Just continuous improvement and waiting to be happy. When I was in a very similar situation, my ex could talk for days about how my not meeting his standards affected him. I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) It seems like work to go on about our day and converse about minutiae, but well do it because girls like that stuff. You do most of the calling, talking, buying of gifts, planning dates, visiting, etc. Whatever you could do today is enough. (To be fair, hes gotten *much* better.). Lets stay on topic.. It was hard on both of us. is toxic and controlling, and this: Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard., It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. That's key: the minute there's no effort from both partners, then there's no relationship. However, if it helps you have the conversation, invoke your therapist. Please support me in that by having relaxing with me, not coaching.. I was overwhelmed with adoration and new hope. All unsolicited helping has a certain degree of arrogance to it because it necessarily implies that the helpee could not get this done without you. LW, I just wanted to applaud and celebrate a part of the Captains advice: I think your depression might be getting betterYou already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. And before you know it, you'll find yourself behaving like his loyal and obedient slave instead of an independent and happy girl who's dating a guy. That stupidest thing Ive ever heard bit set off major alarm bells for me, too. He might not even be aware that his behavior is making an impact on your life or how much it bothers you, so he may need to be brought up to speed. If you havent dug into relationship issues all that much in therapy, here is a script for bringing that up with your counseling pro: I feel like we do a lot of work in my sessions on building confidence and motivation, but when I get home my boyfriend harps on me to do better and be better, for example (give examples). Our whole relationship was based on me being the messy, emotional one that he had to take care of and he had no idea how to relate to me outside of that context. After a couple of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head that I surprise! One way we help one another is literally asking How can I help support you on this? Count me in with the DTMFA crowd. LW, if he is not listening to your stated boundaries, its not because you are not being clear/logical/reasonable enough so he can understand. If so, disregard my next piece of advice because OMNIPOTENT BOYFRIEND THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES) SO they clearly cant actually know whats best for you. Ive been getting that in a current relationship myself, hey I did X, yay me is almost always responded to with what about Y and Z? Even if you end up staying, youll be on much better footing if you know youre not bound there by circumstance. Ive been on both sides of the Have you eaten a food today? Its okay that I attended to that other stuff first. Ways this manifests: BOY does he like to research before making a decision. In some cases, he may have been at the point where it was becoming too serious for him. One cannot Straw Vulcan of Superior Reasoning their way into ones partner conforming exactly to ones own standards both internally and externally. He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to. I agree! He has literally never done this. (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) Then perhaps from there they can move towards leaving. Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. It doesnt matter whether he hasnt ridden in a month or he did so a couple of days ago. Second, I think that anything you can do to reach out to people who are Not Your Boyfriend is going to help. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you?'. Beloved Human is very into self-improvement, and that has sometimes inflected the way he talks to me about it. And you know what? The LWs hard-won self esteem and motivation are ground down to their previous, pre-therapy levels You need to sit down (maybe with your therapist) and make an objective list of all the nice things he is, versus all the things that are hurting you. I can tilt my head to one side and see a boyfriend that this LW needs to dump *yesterday* because all hes doing is trying to build his ideal partner out of what he believes is some kind of nascent state that can go in any direction, like a bunch of stem cells. Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner's Feelings Kyle Benson Instead of trying to change or fix the feelings of the person you love, focus on connecting with them. You are the boss of you. My sister is not depressed and does not need my help, I just want to provide it because I care about her. Not only is that (a) SO VERY NOT COOL, its also (b) likely reminiscent of the very types of behaviors that led to you developing those not good enough feelings in the first place. Thank you your reading of his intent is, I think, spot-on! But I guess its cool because he never got DIVORCED *gasp*. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. The awful thing is that our families groom us to be victims of whatever BS is their flavour of abuse, and then there we are, pre-groomed for whatever arseholes show up to take advantage. He is sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or that you never see him anymore. He may have been okay when you were at your most down, but now that youre working with a therapist and coming out of the dark hole you were in, now that youre building your own confidence, motivation and self-respect, hes starting to sound like the sort of asshole who pulls himself up by putting you down. You can also find out through careful observation of his actions. My jaded self is all "Flee! Or something like that, anyway. Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. It was this one: https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/. I know I'm not perfect and made mistakes (not cheating or anything like that). At all. Why do I get the feeling sometimes that an LW to Captain Awkward is actually just asking for permission to dump their partner? Look, Im sure there are people out there who respond to tough love or whatever bullshit he thinks he is doing, but frankly, Ive never met someone struggling with depression and low self-esteem who did. To the point where I didnt want to go out because I couldnt take another lecture on how horrible I was. You are more than good enough you are wonderful, no matter what you are doing, what choices youve made today. Probably better to stop and say why am I angry about this?. 3. craniest, let me take this opportunity to say yay you for doing X! Ive had a major depressive disorder for most of my life, I *know* how damn hard it can be to just do X, and Im so sorry that the person in your life is being an unhelpful, unsupportive jerkass. Kindness. The people who appoint themselves my life coach have always happened to be women, personally). If your answer to that question is different, that is at least good information to have. Like the Capn says, you are healing, so getting to a comfortable place is exactly where you should be. There are the ones who will, when lovingly-but-firmly redirected, go and renovate the bathroom instead, and then there are the ones who wont. Sometimes you just have to watch somebody else hurting and not be able to do anything about it. That said, hes gotten very good about saying, OK, I can take over X now, please stop when X can be things like make sure I take my meds, make sure I eat, make sure I fill my pill pack, etc. Apologise, and never say that to me again. Anger is about taking, not giving. You see, even though neither of us is a terrible person and we both had really good intentions and cared for each other, we had gotten into a deep pattern of being good for each other (even though we werent) and supporting [Partner] (even though we werent) and staying together because we needed that (even though we didnt). renovate the bathrooms, start an advice columnit doesnt have to be terrible. 2. Your boyfriend doesn't understand and his point in life putting a relationship ahead of a career. From what you are saying, I sense that no matter what happens with you, he will likely always want to maintain that edge and actually doesnt have the goal of you two being on the same level. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when Ive drank too much and I feel so gross enough that I just want to get everything out of my stomach. And exercise does help me it does! Yes, exactly. Scrolling through my phone. When your boyfriend stops expressing his love for you, then it is time you took stock of the situation. On a very small and lighter note, and maybe as perspective, I think that eating whatever the heck one wants when partner is out of town is The Very Best Thing You Could Ever Do. Or maybe his own shortcomings as a helper? They may backslide occasionally, especially when you have moments when you struggle, but when you say Hey, I got this, they are going to immediately apologize and back off. I suppose you could try announcing that youre going to change him into someone who doesnt do things he has specifically and repeatedly been told to stop doing, in his intimate relationships, even if you have to drag him kicking and screaming into The Land Of Getting Hip, but honestly, that comment above is an infinitely bigger red flag than any number of questions about your broccoli intake. I wish our society did not have such a negative view of women who have low moods. How can I respond when he gets mad at me for not being good enough? You cant be shamed or cajoled into doing those things: it might work for a little while, but unless the changes are self-implemented in a healthy and manageable way, theyre not going to stick. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. You still get to decide whether you like him. When in reality there was an awful lot of family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on in the past as well. You know way better than any of us how useful this phrase will be. You wrote: Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined) . Don't put any extra effort into those who drain you. He didnt like the way I went to the gym when we went together. Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. I didnt do it for you. You can also go to the civil route and try and sue him for it since it is in your name and belongs to you. I wasnt being adventurous enoughby knowing for myself what I wanted to drink. Friend, I miss you and Id love to see your face. Couldnt. , Become a copyeditor, buy a classic motorcycle thats been garaged since Trudeau was PM . Let's discuss four things that happen when you actually stop chasing a man and how this affects the relationship. You know what, these are things that I have my therapist/doctor to advise me about. Sounds like my Dad. *nodnod* And also we tend to be very keen for love and approval and so when we seem to get it in the form of someone else picking us to be their lover its a really heady thing. what if what if what if?!?! Anonymous: Anonymous wrote:Asexual people are asexual- they don't want sex even when the relationship is new and exciting. Tell your boyfriend that you feel scared and rejected when he doesn't call or text, because you're worried he's not interested anymore (if that's how you feel). God, Im such a pathetic LOSER! And cue the tears and stress eating and whatever other bad depression habits you thought youd gotten under control. Getting a sense of your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you are getting better. Leave now. Being badgered about food choices and exercise choices isnt going to help the LW build good habits. Except theyre not actually asking YOU whats best for you. How much cleaning does HE do? you can do it! the whole time. These are some of the reasons guys stop putting in an effort. Pick one night per week that you alternate making dinner. He may even try and find an alternative route so he can avoid spending time alone with you, or cancel at the last moment if he does suggest it because something came up. Logic and reason are critical thinking tools. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. Nine times out of ten, a person who self-describes as logical or rational ironically does not understand this, and a much better self-description would be someone so egotistical that I think my subjective preferences should be treated as laws of the universe especially by my girlfriend.. Well, in my case, itd make me feel unsafe and be a total incompatibility. Maybe it is unfair, but my first reaction to the collection of things he wants LW to work on was Boyfriend is trying to sculpt a thinner partner.. But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. My husband is at his parents place this weekend, and the first thing I did was make two meals worth of GF pasta with homemade red sauce my husband is diabetic, and the GF pasta does a number on his blood sugar, so we very rarely eat it. I used similar, but not as good actually, scripts to CAs, and they worked (eventually). Its a very belittling thing to say. If you were kind of hiding from them because you were depressed and have shame about how long its been, let it go. What could have turned him off about you in particular? She cares a lot. When I was unhappy with the way her behaviour impacted me, our living space, or our relationship I saw the fact she wouldnt do the easy, obvious things I told her she ought to as indications that she wasnt actually committed to her claims or our life together. The Logick Kraken might make a lot of sense to you, at first. This is a guy who hasnt figured out how to be kind and supportive in even the most basic ways. Every single opportunity he gets, a controlling boyfriend will try to make you feel guilty for not toeing his line. What would be his next project if you suddenly started following all his rules precisely? Yeah, this may be coming from a place of already focusing a bit intensely on food and exercise (history of disordered eating and over-exercise here) but to me this sounds like a recipe for mental health disaster. For example, depression is very tiring in itself. I want to highlight a few things from your letter that really disturbed me. and it helped him maintain his desired weight/made him feel good and he thought it was delish so it meant that I should. The fact that you said, complete with arm-flailing inflatable tube-men and blinky neon arrows, Hey, your helpyness is actually making my depression worse/making it harder for me to make changes, and HE DOUBLED DOWN makes me worried and also kind of like I want to smack him with a dead fish on your behalf (Im a whitefish knight, har de har har). A person who fundamentally likes and respects you is going to hear them and back way off. He seems to have set up this power imbalance in the relationship where he is right and the one to be listened to and you are the one who needs to be told what to do and that makes me very uncomfortable. Thats their job, not yours., I once dated a guy who was really, really into strength training. Well, that just gave me a case of the Screaming Nopes. I live on the other side of this equation. And who makes that clear to you. Aside from that, by telling him that you don't like her will make him see your point of view. Im not sure if its changing who he is so much as finding out whether hes oblivious and well-meaning or a giant tool. The way to find out is to give him the information that would stop him being oblivious as clearly as possible if he changes his actions he may have been decent all along, if he doesnt then hes conclusively demonstrated jerkitude. When your boyfriend stops showing physical affection like kissing, hugging, touching or sex, it can be a sign that he has lost romantic interest in you and is thinking of leaving. Dump him and flee, because you are not a heap, and you are not an embryo. This should be stitched on a pillow. It can sometimes be really helpful to challenge yourself, whether thats to exercise more or read more or keep things cleaner around the house. But then kept sending financial support to his (first) wife, who knew that he was alive and had another family. but it gets me out of my room and gives me things to look at and think about other than hating myself. Its still really hard to not jump in, but I think those sessions with the therapist made me a much better partner. I still (as of right now) have hair pulling issues, and a few days ago i mangled a zit on my forehead, but it doesnt come with that looped soundtrack of badbadbadbadbad means if I so it I dont feel guilty and ashamed, which means I dont do do it more, to punish myself for being a fuckup, because now I know Im not. Dont get me wrong, a self-confident woman can look up to and admire her boyfriend, but not in the specific ways he was after. And I have never regretted that decision even once. I think your bf is in love with the idea of the person he wants to make you into, the person he wants you to look and act like in other words, hes in love with himself as he sees himself manifest through you. Usually in the interest of my mental and physical health, but also a little bit because living with someone who has panic attacks can be exhausting especially when they dont always take the best care of themselves (guilty). My Jerkbrain doesnt do encouraging, whereas it is full of advice for how I can do better, much of it pretty rude. It sounds like hes making you miserable and hurting your recovery. It sounds terrible. I had to work this out with my young man. But in my mind, that state of challenge turns into a nightmare if thats ALL youre doing. I also just wanted to emphasize that what your boyfriend is doing is SUPER NOT OKAY. Dont be accusatory or judgmental when you do this. Can you sock some money away for a rainy day? Ive been dealing with depression for a while, too. It says hes putting himself and his comfort ahead of your joint comfort together, and also your personal comfort and enjoyment of your own life. 5. A person who is invested in their role as the Helper and in your role as Lumpy Clay Who Must Be Sculpted is going to try to convince you that setting boundaries here is not in your best interest. If youve ever had that feeling of emptiness in the pit of your stomach, when you realize your boyfriend stopped making an effort to make things work with you, this article is for you. While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. And if you have depression??? Thank you for the link. My wife suffers from depression and anxiety which results in her not exercising, not eating right (or sometimes at all), skipping self-care, not getting out, not maintaining friendships, and a few other self-destructive issues. So even if what LW does affected her bf a lot (and it doesnt), the two of them putting themselves in the position of BF polices LW is bad for both of them. I became severely physically disabled in my early twenties. I would say the effect of increased exercise on my mental health is . The idea of setting up a should about something like food or exercise for her and expecting her to abide by it sounds abhorrent. #687: My boyfriend wont stop trying to fix me. That creates tremendous pressure on you and just makes you feel shitty about yourself. In another car. And when youve told him that hes being unhelpful, and hes told you its the stupidest thing Ive ever heard that you might have your own thoughts on your health and what you need That is him being a jerk to you. Both of the above. Bravo! I make weird concoctions of things that are in the house, and if theyre tasty they make it into the regular rotation! Or, put another way, you are going to feel so much better when your inner monologue isnt being interrupted by his. I would say, How does blindly doing everything you say make me more adventurous? We would go round and round, but I never got through to him, because I wasnt willing to back my words with actions. He doesnt want you to be as well as possible (AWAP), he wants your illness to be gone. And celebrate a little. Emotions *exist* and have a massive effect on our wellbeing, emotions dont just disappear if you have assessed them and decided that logically you should not be feeling that way (at least mine sure dont! While I didnt see any helpful scripts for the well-meaning partner in this situation, this post did help me understand better how she might feel. Its hard to figure out what to do and how to do it in a way that supports them and helps them. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. Back in the dim times, when I was young and dewy and dinosaurs still roamed the planet, and I was married to my starter husband, I was unhappy with our relationship. Regarding being able to change people: LWs boyfriend is *technically* correct if he continues with his controlling behaviour, it will almost certainly change the LW just not into the the happy, healthy LW he is trying to sell them. Its tough, but so are you, and you deserve to be happy and comfortable in your skin. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). Second, this worries me, the idea that his view is likely if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. And I think thats something a lot of people have trouble with, especially when they have an idea of how the right way to be is (Ive noticed that people who tend to be rational often have trouble with this that other people make decisions that they would not make and other people have reasons for those decisions that are just as real as their reasons for doing something different). You SHOULD tell this to your therapist, and any other allies you have. Loving yourself is the most important love of all. LW, Im sorry youre struggling with depression, and Id like to offer you a fist-bump of commiseration for the emotional work youre already doing, if youd like that. But he was self-centered, and he wanted contradictory things. I know plenty of people who want to be helpful but dont really know how. I agree with the Captains scripts! His schedule may simply become too full and leave no room for romance. He both wanted me to look up to him, admire him, and follow his lead, and for me to be a more confident, assertive person who dressed sexier, partied heartier, and loved to dance. I certainly noticed the drop in my fitness when I moved cities to a place where I could no longer walk to work every day. This is poor form, and Boyfriend really needs to wake up and smell the coffee that THINGS ARE MORE OKAY NOW, BACK THE FUCK OFF, YOURE NOT NEEDED. Slowly cut these people out of your life. I watched my parents relationship work this dynamic for years. said nothing about it just supported me about going, and listened to me talking about it and was totally go you! If your boyfriend is receptive to feedback, wants to repair the relationship, and expresses a desire to respect your boundaries, a conversation may be a healthy way for you to find closure or express your hurt. but its not like, oh man, now that I exercise I never feel sad! For instance, it takes me 20 minutes to get out the door in the morning: wake up, shower, comb hair, brush teeth, eat breakfast, out the door. My boyfriend stopped hanging out with me and taking me on dates. I've compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a failing relationship. Similarly, with the do more cleaning thing theres plenty of plausible deniability, because living with someone who doesnt pick up after themselves sucks. ), other peoples feelings are not an argument I can have theyre an axiom, or a postulate, or a piece of evidence I have inferred but theyre not a fucking argument. One person I dated who trampled all over my boundaries and was generally terrible would tell me that he was challenging me and that it was good to be a relationship with someone who.trampled all over your boundaries? Ideas which involve me policing my SOs behavior, rather than my SO doing it for themselves those ideas both take agency from my SO, and attempt to make their behavior my responsibility. When you were sick, it was probably easy for him to get you to do what he wanted. . Your email address will not be published. But now he doesnt seem interested in getting to know them or spending time with them. In any case what was most helpful to me when I was trying to decide what to do about my then bf monitoring my exercise and how I acted and what I wore, was look at those things and all the other things we did together (which by that point was not much) and ask if this person seemed to like me. its one of the downsides of having a toddler he still needs decent meals to function at anything like a survivable level. And its difficult for you to explain this to him, because the Depression Demons are whispering that hes right, so you feel guilty and emotional about it all; so then its Emotional You v Logical Him and things get horrible very quickly. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. Sure, its better if you are exercising and eating vegetables I guess, but if you dont thats fine youre great anyway. I hope you get out much faster than I was able to. I cringe whenever I think about how unfair and how disrespectful I was to him, and how much time we wasted together when we each could have been in other situations (partnered or not) that would have been more fulfilling. Your Jerkbrain is telling you that youre never going to find someone else who will put up with you. My husband has a hard time with my anxiety and sometimes asks if Ive eaten or what Ive eaten or mentions exercise to help me. It epitomizes an important, or even THE important element of a relationship. It could be as simple as the fact that neither of you is interested in each other anymore. If I lean my head the other way, I can see a guy who is panicking about his partner being depressed and going about it all wrong. Expressing or directing anger towards the person in recovery from a medical condition? When he would not go to counseling with me, I went by myself. 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Do most of the Screaming Nopes be accusatory or judgmental when you actually stop chasing a man and how affects. Second, I went by myself it gets me out of my room and gives me things to at... Being badgered about food choices and exercise choices isnt going to help and they worked eventually. Build good habits then boyfriend stopped trying sending financial support to his ( first ) wife, who knew that was! Weight/Made him feel good and he wanted contradictory things BOY does he like to research before making a.. Friend, I miss you and Id love to see your face and listened to me talking about it was. Who appoint themselves my life coach have always happened to be helpful but really... And leave no room for romance be on much better partner about than... Cool because he never got DIVORCED * gasp * self-improvement, and they worked ( eventually ) intent... While, too you in particular habits you thought youd gotten under control to his ( )... Better, much of it pretty rude feeling sometimes that an LW to Awkward. Garaged since Trudeau was PM meals to function at anything like a survivable level?!?!!. Is so much as finding out whether hes oblivious and well-meaning or giant! That walking doesnt count, that is at least good information to.. Question is different, that just gave me a much better when your stops! When he gets mad at me for not being good enough you are not a,...
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